A brand new world. A brand new place. A promise of something more. I remember how it started. It was a normal day in my book reading articles and other interesting things I found as I perused the web. Facebook had several interesting posts that I hoped to benefit from as well. Other than that it was same ole same ole. He was perusing all of comings and goings as usual. Some days he did some days he did not. Today he did. I perused an article that made him think that I was thinking badly of him. Of course that called for questioning. Questioning led to him feeling guilty. When he felt guilty he turned it around on how I am the bad one. I always wondered why he did that. Later that night I found out why.
“I think we should separate. I can’t trust you.” He said. “I can’t make myself trust you.”
“I have learned to choose you and trust you?” I replied through alcohol soaked breath.
“I just can’t.” He said.
He moved out the next morning. He said he was moving in with his mother. Later I found out that he had a girlfriend on the side and that he moved in with her. His rush to separate came from his rush to move on.
Three kids and a life together trumped by a more interesting suiter and no attachment. She had been hurt herself and shared his views of not needing marriage at the time.
The deal we had struck the night before his departure that the bills would continue as they were. No notable financial change except that he would not be paying for groceries. I guess I just assumed since my understanding was that he was moving to his mother’s that it would not matter. I saw it as a time to think and not a real break.
That was then. The new start. The beginning that was not requested. “We both need time to think and really reflect on our needs where we are.” That’s what he said. It seemed logical so I found no reason not to comply. He said he was not interested in any relationship or any other women. He lied. I chose to trust. I did not want to hurt him and I wanted to respect his wishes. I did not cry in front of him even though I was dying. I did not chase after him even though I felt my soul ripping from my chest. I thought it was what was right. He was his own person who deserved his own opinions, space, and respect. I thought that by holding the emotions back that I was giving him what he needed. I love him.
I focused my energy at the time on the kids and the house. I cried in private away from them. I sobbed uncontrollably at night with my TV streaming whatever seemed appropriate. It was awful. I would scroll through the movies and see things he would hate and would think “he hates this I can’t watch it. Oh he liked this one I should watch it.” So I spent my nights streaming the things he liked. Love stories? What are those? I am all about the comedies.
The day I found out that he had moved in with his mistress, I guess, I found out by fluke. I had been trying to call him just to check in. Well that is what I told myself. I just had an off feeling from the moment I woke up. He was not answering and that made the feeling intensify. So I called his mother.
“Hey is he there?” I asked fighting back the emotions.
“What? He hasn’t been here. Why would you think that?” She said. She was baiting me trying to get information.
“Oh I must have misunderstood where he was going.” I said knowing it was best that she did not know. She would use it to her advantage. I learned that early on. My mother in law was one of those that no woman would ever be good enough or as good as her.
“Well. If I hear from him I will let him know.” She said. “What is going on? Are you okay?”
Right. “Things are fine.” I lied through gritted teeth. “I just confused his plans. He is with his friend from work this week watching some games.” I lied trying to be as vague as possible so that if she did reach him it would not be something that would throw him. Still protecting him. My phone line rang through at that point and it was him. “Sorry he is calling to check in so I need to let you go.”
“Okay. Well let me know if you need anything.” Her poisonous words sweet as honey. We had moved closer to her an his family for him but now I was alone. Must make the best of things. Switching to his call.
“You called.” He said unceremoniously.
“Yeah I was worried.” I said. “I wanted to know how you were doing. I called your mom.” The line went silent.
“What did she say?” He said the irritation coming through like a chime.
“That you were not there. I said you were with a friend watching some games.” I said my strength edding at his baritone.
“Thank you.” He said. Silence. When people mention silence you could cut with a knife you really don’t understand it until you are experiencing it.
“So where are you staying?” I asked through emotionally weakened vocal chords.
“With a friend.” He said.
“From work?” I said.
“No.” He responded curtly.
“From where then? School?” I said grasping for more innocent possibilities.
“No, not from school.” He said. “Just someone I met.”
“A guy friend?” My voice a hair from cracking with emotion.
“No. It’s a girl I have been talking to for a little while.” He said. “I like her.” He blurted.
“But you said…” I said without thought.
“I know but it is complicated. The heart wants what the heart wants. I don’t want to hurt you but I love you both for different reasons.” He said. “I want time to explore what I have with her.”
“So you knew when you left.” I stammered. The hot tears stinging my eyes.
“Yes. I’m sorry.” He said. “This doesn’t change our arrangement for now. You stay at the house and I will continue to pay the bills that I paid before just not the groceries. Sorry I need to go. She will be getting back soon and we have plans. Bye.” He said, hanging up before I could even bid him goodbye.
So here I am the afterthought. The days became a week. The week became a month. The calls became less frequent. I died more each day.
You would think with the decreased calls the big brother watching would stop. Nope. I still received texts most days either about a search I made or an article I read.
“Why did you search about grief?” He said in one text. “I’m sorry I have hurt you.”
“Why did you read about emotional abuse? Do you think I was emotionally abusive?” He texted. “I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
“You spent a lot of time online today. It was pages and pages of posts that you looked at.” He texted.
“You have a lot of online activity.” He texted.
It was all along the same vein. “You” did this or that. “I” am sorry I hurt you. “But you did…” and “I can’t move on.”
The day I was served with divorce paper was a slap in the face. The only solace was that it did not include the idea of taking the children as full custody and was only shared. I collapsed in the doorway envelope in hand as the person left. The kids were at school already. I was home with a cold. It didn’t matter.
I remember clearly my first thought. “My family has no idea. I am alone.” I had not told my family what was going on. He had complained about them hating him in the marriage so I stopped telling them what was going on. I wanted them to love him like I did regardless of his actions. So when we separated I did not tell them. As the separation dragged on and I lost myself day by day I just cut myself off from everyone. My family, friends, and acquaintances had no idea. When they would question my moods I would attribute it to work stress and the stress of raising increasingly independent children. If they knew that I was telling tales that did not push it.
My new adventure. He had taken the step I never could. From what I understood he had left the girl he was with when we separated but was staying with a single co-worker in a sort of bachelor pad. She was a mess and he did not want that. He wanted more than that. More women. A co-worker had relayed to me at one point that he was with a lot of women and was not holding back.
In his drunkeness he would call and tell me about his conquests. “She had a tighter…,” “She let me…,” “her toes…,” “she did…,” etc and so forth. If it could hurt me or make him more virile sounding it came out of his mouth. It might have killed me more and more but it kept going. “You are fat,” “You are lazy,” “you are worthless,” you are…” and that went on as well.
When his lawyer presented the evidence that I was not a fit mother I was floored. He pulled all of his evidence of my admitting my wrong doings. He had deleted all of my evidence off of my phone before he left. Anything after the separation was not counted. The children were in my care and there was no evidence that during that period they were in any danger. I hoped that it would be enough. It wasn’t.
I was alone. My kids were taken and my marriage dissolved.
After a few weeks when I was forced from my home and living in the car I was at my wits end. I cheated but that was it. I was alone. No kids, no husband, no family, friends cut me off because I disappeared, and co-workers thought I was nuts because of my emotional mood swings. I was lost. How do you come back from that?
My opinion. You don’t. I guess if you talked to people you would be much better. I did not talk to anyone out of fear of hurting the one who was hurting me. I did not make it out of this story. I took my 9 mil and ended it in my car. The only thing I had left. Please talk to someone. If things are bad share with someone. Let someone in. It is such a waste if you end up like me.
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