One Mother Rambling Through Life

 I like being anonymous. There was a time when I was an artist and a writer. I delved into my feelings full bore. Most of the time now I feel like a fraud. I feel lost in a way, like a shell of the person I once was. I feel like the rules keep piling up against me and changing. I am always the bad guy in the wrong. It is hard. As we age we lose who we were piece by piece. I think we are supposed to accept it gracefully and find family and children as the new thing to fill those holes. But it really doesn't work that way for most. Most of us feel those losses and suppress the feeling. I believe that is why we have the "mid-life crisis". It is related to suppressing our regrets for so long that they will no longer allow themselves to be suppressed. At that point we do something super stupid to be young again. Does it work? Nope. Once that youth is lost or we make the choice to move to a stage beyond the youth it is gone. No choice good or dumbass will get it back. Pretend all you will. Live as a young adult. Be sure that you are ready to move to the next level before leveling up. Listen to your partner. If your partner expresses that they are not ready to level up. Grind it out. If they fall off in the grind it will safe your some heart ache. If they fall off there then they would have probably cheated after leveling up and at least you can drop them from your party before you are tied together with other bindings that are more permanent and lasting. Bindings that create a new need to work it out and maybe create a never ending string of heart ache and pain of their continued need to fulfill the things they denied themselves in their youth. Will they find a brighter rainbow? Nope. They will hate that they made the choices they did, they will find a temporary spark of youth, but they will only be able to feel it if they cheat repeatedly. There is reason for the once a cheater always a cheater. It is based in the loss of youth and chasing the spark. So please heed my warning. If they are not ready, do not level up. Find someone who is ready to level up with you. We are all chasing the win. The prince or princess at the end of the level. Make sure the one you are leveling with makes you feel like that perpetual royalty. Otherwise you will always feel like the bar wench on the side that was settled for in order to avoid shame on the family name. You will never level the same. You will feel shackelled. You will feel secondary. They will cheat. You will always wonder if that it where they are. YOU ARE WORTH MORE. Believe it. Own it. 

PS If they are married. The odds are you are the spark of youth and they will never leave their family for you. Don't degrade yourself for someone who simply wants to feel more youthful. You are also so much better and worth more.