One Mother Rambling Through Life

 There is a school of thought that you are worth as much as your favorite clothing. Mine is a sun dress I got year ago. It has holes and rips. It has new rip almost daily. From my children, or my pets, or life. It rips and tears and loses value in the eyes of anyone on the outside. To me these are memories. The rip from chasing the dog so the kids could give him a bath. From sliding across the floor for the save. Chasing a giggling child and catching a sharp corner on the way. Appreciate the moments that life does give you. Appreciate the clothing that shows the wear of the life that you have been given. Each moment however small is your survival. As someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation or the focus on suicide as a way to solve problems it is these moments that can pull you back from the edge. It is a sad thing to admit. It is sad to share that I have had pills collected from my legal prescriptions in a bottle to help create a perfect cocktail, a gun barrel in my mouth with the safety on to know how it might feel, and a bottle of poison with the ideal of it might be that time. These little things have pulled me back. I think about my kids not knowing their mother loved them enough to stay alive. My parents feeling like they had somehow failed me because of the choice I made. My pets missing me and not being the same joyful beings that no human deserves. I was never a successful writer because my writing in like cliffs notes. I say what is needed and rarely express more than that. Please. If you are feeling suicidal and you cannot find a moment to pull you back call the suicide hotline. I would never wish for anyone to really be gone. I understand that at times ever moment, second, etc are not just hard but it is like physical pain. You cannot breath, your chest hurts, you feel your heart beat, you just want it all to stop. I understand. I have been there. AS I type I am there. I am typing trying to grasp at something that feels like it can tether me to the earth. I feel like a burden to everyone around me. I feel like they all deserve better. I feel like I am standing in the way of the better thing that they could have if I was gone. I have expressed that I felt like my partners straying was linked to finding their youthful spark but a part of me also feels like they would be happier if they could be with someone else. I think it is why I truly understand the need to call the hotline. I am there with you. I struggle. I have to find something almost daily that makes me continue to fight here. It is why those that understand call suicide "losing a battle with anxiety and depression". Because that really is what has happened. It is not selfish but losing to the desire to self preserve. The ides that being gone is better than being here for those around you. We don't want to leave but in a weird way we feel like leaving is more beneficial to those we love than staying. But again before you ever reach that stage and want to level up to suicide. Please call the hotline. You are worth staying, no matter what your brain, anxiety, depression,  mental state, whatever is telling you.   800-273-8255.