One Mother Rambling Through Life

Rantings, Ravings, Strange thoughts, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and a lot of ME!

What is strength? Is it an imagined thing that we use to push ourselves through? I am strong! Is it something that we can measure? She is stronger than I could ever be. Is it something that some have and some do not? She was never strong enough for that.

"strength

  
[strengkth, strength, strenth]
                    
noun
1. the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.
2. mental power, force, or vigor.
3. moral power, firmness, or courage.
4. power by reason of influence, authority, resources, numbers, etc."
Dictionary.com
 
Above is the common definitions, or the first 4, as listed on dictionary.com.
 
It is hard to be strong in all areas of life and we sometimes stop being the merry juggler and let all of the ball drop stepping back to ask ourselves Am I strong enough?
 
We are as strong as we need to be to keep putting one foot in front of the other to move forward as much as we have the ability to do at that moment. Some moments we are moving at a snails pace and are lucky to get one foot forward and other times we are the fasted sprinter in the world. This is where the you do you idea comes into play. Don't lose heart when you feel like things are not going well and you just can't. Did you wake up today? Are you still breathing? Those two things are enough to say that you did have strength. Maybe it is not much but it is something. When I am wrestling with life's heavy thoughts and decisions that are not easy sometimes all I can promise is that I will wake up and be present. I don't call it procrastination when the reason you are putting it off is because today you can't. Mentally, physically, whatever. As long as you do it when you are back to a place you can it is not procrastination.
 
Life is hard. Don't make it harder by getting caught up in what you didn't do or can't do today. I wake up and I'm just present. I need to put the batteries on pause for the day on life so that my brain can use the energy to process the emotional wreck that life can make me. Life is worth moving forward. We only get one so take time to be weak so that you can be string enough tomorrow.

So I opened the box yesterday to see all of the products that I would be indulging in for the next X months. And it is a little overwhelming because the schedule is pretty precise.  And again this is my CUSTOM schedule so anyone elses schedule could be very different or similar. No idea. But this is mine.

I am an early riser so my schedule starts at 5 AM on a normal day. But that is based on my normal waking time. SOoooo if someone wakes up later theirs would start later. But I got my large happy looking box at the post office.


 Look at that happy box. Right?!? This box really seems to promise happiness right off. SO lets dive into the box...


So in the box are the morning dose, the mixing tubs, the anti cravings, the flavoring, some stress balls, a variety of fun motivational stickers, white pills, red pills, yellow pills, night magic pills, the scoops for the powders, and some boba type straws to use for the morning dose. Phew! Each of things has my name on them because they are my custom formula for the things that I struggle with and how much I want to lose. The morning dose bottle clearly have 4 goals for weight loss that you can achieve. The last being a healthy BMI. So as I said before the final goal is more about where you feel comfortable and could be 15 to 20 lbs off that is still successful if you feel like it is where you are comfortable.

The BMI was founded in 1972 and was originally published in a paper. The BMI is a range of healthy weight for most people. The BMI does not take into account different body styles which is what people who do not believe in BMI point out. The BMI was expanded in Japan in 2000 to include an Obesity Level from 1 to 4. BMI is really the best and only way to judge where your weight should fall. So that's where this diet starts.

So I mixed up my 3 starting doses of the morning dose substance and got them in the fridge to get this started. This is what my morning dose looks like in the morning...

The morning dose is designed to fill part of your stomach to mimic having less stomach like the surgical option. It is kind of the consistency of jello or toothpaste. It has a fruity flavor and is about 25 calories in total. You either take it with a boba straw or spoon. It is not bad but after having some of it your body tells you that you don't want anymore. Like eating too much jello but the jello does not break down when you swish it around in your mouth. Having water on hand to help get it all down is pretty much a necessity. If you don't like jello or similar textures this will be really hard. I like jello so it was mostly okay.

 
Here I am starting my Day 1 dose. We can do this! It was a lot and my stomach really told me it was a lot. But I got it all down...well except one bite/swallow that I could just not keep in my mouth and spit out. I am determined so I will do this every morning! People have had some amazing results so I am pretty determined.

Then it was red pill yellow pill time...

Pills don't bother me so this was a breeze. Throughout the day I will need to drink EIGHT 16 oz bottles of water at least. Water is important to any diet but it is really the key to success in this diet. So I have been chugging chugging the ole water.

Calorie intake #1 or meal #1 went smashingly. I had part of a Burrito bowl from chipotle with brown rice, chicken, black beans, lettuce, tomato salsa, and quacamole. It was delicious and really not bad for me when you consider alternatives. Left off the sour cream and the cheese because it is dairy which is discouraged on this diet due to bloating. Did my chew 20 times, 2 sips of water, and wait thirty seconds for the next bite. It took forever to eat but I did fill up very quickly. So far so good! 80 oz of water gone at this point as well.

The Anti-Cravings drink is basically just a fiber beverage that helps with craving. There are a few other things to it but it gives you your needed fiber for the day. It reminded me of bubble gum flavored medication. But it was easy to drink. I shook it up constantly so I did not leave anything in the bottle.
 So UPDATE and further

I have a pretty weak stomach. So the products were really rough. And I like soda and dairy products. I think the idea of the product in general is awesome! But if you have a weak stomach for the price it might not be worth it for you. I am losing. Slowly. I can't do the anti-cravings drink because it makes me throw up. I have to be careful and have crackers on hand for the pills because depending on the time they can my me queasy. The morning dose caused some issues due to aversion but I am using crystal light drink mixes to flavor it and I have been able to stomach a little over half. I am not hungry after two meals. I have been able to easily stay within calorie limitations. I have had sodas (diet) and dairy (cheese in small amounts and sour cream). I can fit into my schedule and can take most of the products. So far I am satisfied with the products. If I had a stronger stomach I think I would do much better in the long run. My recommendation it to really think about what your stomach does on a diet before going forward because this is not designed for weak stomachs.

Until next time


It was a difficult day all around. I woke up in my cramped flat alone. My children were at their grandparents for the event because I did not want to expose them to the crazy that could ensue. I got dressed in the formal clothing that had been picked out for me. I got my makeup done by the woman who was sent to me. I got into the ride provided for me. I held it together. The car was a nice Black town car like you would expect for a funeral procession. There was champagne provided in the back with strawberries. I sipped on the champagne as we rode along to the event venue. Appropriately Run, Baby, Run came on over the radio. I took a deep breath to stifle the tears that were threatening to burn at my eyes. I knew this day was coming. It had been coming for a year but I was still not prepared.

A man in a black suit held open the door to the large event venue with banners and balloons awaiting all of the key players to arrive. I was escorted around the side of the building to a side entrance and then to a small room that looked like a preparation room for a wedding or quinceanera.  In the room was a chaise lounge and maple side table, small dressing table with mirror and chair, what looked like a door to a small bathroom, and a flat screen TV on the wall opposite the chaise. There was again more champagne that I could help myself to and a card on the dressing table. It was strange for there to be a card with a little blue gift box behind it. I sat on the lush pink Chaise lounge covered in pillows with my champagne flute, card, and box in hand. I placed the crystal flute on the small round side table and opened the card.

“Dearest Friend,

We have been the best of friends forever and I hope we can be the best of friend still in the future. Remember when we used to share everything and want to be exactly like one another?”

Yes, we were 6 though.

“Remember arguing over the same Ken?”

Yes, the one with the bendy arms so he could really hold Barbie.

“Well I guess that happened on a larger scale now. I hope in time we can both be happy and move forward. I still love you.

Larger scale my ass.

I took a gulp of the champagne and threw the card across the room. I opened the little blue box that held a while gold pendant necklace with a heart that had beautiful script engraved with my name. Only she would think that this is appropriate. None of this was okay or appropriate. It was actually pretty tacky but without having spoken up before today I was stuck. Waiting alone. I could hear the party guests arriving.

I tried to reason with him but he saw no issue with it since we were friends. He is an idiot. I had no idea what to expect and I was stuck. I was pretty sure there was a butler or something strange outside of the door so I could not make a run for it. I looked at my hand and the diamond wedding band. I thought about how we had gotten to this point. It was not one person’s fault in the end. It was a freight train left uncontrolled. But I was the one run over and leaving alone.

I turned on the small flat screen in the room and flipped through the channels while I attempted to drink as much of the bottle that they had left me as possible. I shared a bottle much like this with her on my wedding day. Seems like it was yesterday but that is gone. Still alone.

I grabbed the small white throw from the back of the throw and closed my eyes. If I am going to be locked in here I might as well get a nap out it. I could hear her chastising me about hair and makeup in my mind. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I chanted in my head. I nodded off only to be awaken gently what seemed like moments later by the man in the suit. It was time to go. I did a quick mirror check and I hadn’t done any real damage to my hair or makeup.

A strange medley played as I was escorted into the event hall. All eyes were on me as I was led to the small table before the clergy follow by them. We were positioned facing the clergy. Side by side. I could feel his body heat beside me like an old comforting and familiar tingle in my body.

The clergy was saying something but I couldn’t hear him over my own heartbeat. I focused on breathing. I was being handed a pen. It felt heavy in my hand and my arm felt like it was weighted with sand. I looked down at the paper. I took a breath. I put my hand done on my side and he on his own. The Clergy took the paper and signed below and stamped it.

It was done. I was divorced. It was strange. I felt like I couldn’t breath as I watched the clergy start talking with him and with her. They were smiling. It was nothing like our somber moment. They signed. The clergy signed. The crowd went wild. Everyone was excited. They kissed. They were now married. Legally together after their affair.

She was my best friend from childhood. He was my husband. They had an affair. I was left alone. She came up with the idea of a divorce party and wedding ceremony. She said it saved on time and that way I would be there with her almost like her maid of honor. It didn’t feel like an honor. It felt like being stabbed repeatedly in the lungs and people asking me how I was breathing.

She ran over and hugged me in giddy excitement and returned to her people. She glowed. She grabbed him and a couple of other people and went into an alcove. She had whispered that she had an announcement and that she hadn’t even told him yet in my ear. But I was feeling unsteady.

I sat with a flute in my hand and watched the crowd that looked like lights and blurs through my shocked stated. People came over and patted my shoulder or hugged around me but never stayed long. It was crazy but it was done. Officially a divorcee. Officially a single mother or was it co-parenting mother?

A handsome friend sat next to me and put his head on my shoulder. He laughed and talked to me about how I make a good pillow. He held my hand. It was fuzzy but I think he propositioned me somewhere in there before bursting out laughing. After he got his laugh out he looked at me seriously and told me he was there for me whatever I needed. Not to be me. Not to be here. To be invisible. The backbone to have not done this.

I put the flute down and stood just as she returned from the alcove. He looked pale walking behind her as she filled the room with her glow. She picked up the microphone interrupting the festivities. For her announcement. She was pregnant. They were expecting in 7 months.

He wasn’t prepared for that. She was tacky announcing it at her wedding. He was done with having his own babies but wasn’t careful when it came to his affair like he was in our marriage. I remember that being a part of the fight when they finally came clean that although she was a friend he had no idea what he could have brought home to me. Karma.

She ran up to me just bubbling over and I congratulated her because what else could I do. Then she bubbled around the room to all of the guests. Some were excited, some shocked, and some outright angry with her. No one had pictured this being the way it was. Anti-marriage and divorce banners flying with wedding banners. It was like a divorce party threw up on a wedding.

My eyes were running with tears that burned like acid. I wasn’t really prepared for that announcement on top of the other pain. He came over to comfort me and I pushed him away and ran out. Back to my prison with the pink chaise. Once locked in my little room I let the tears freely flow. I turned the TV on loudly to cover any noises I might make. I locked the door. I drank from the champagne bottle between sobs.

A small knock on the door broke me more. Why? Why follow me? There he was handsome as ever. As much as I hated him he was the man I loved, married, had children with, and lived with for better or worse until a year ago. He held me as I sobbed more.

Some women are more than ready when the day comes. I thought I was. I thought it was be nice to be able to move on. His chest felt like home. His arms felt like shields. And his breath like a warm blanket. I hate you. I hate me. I hate this. Why do I still want this?

He patted my head and got up and left. I was alone again. My sobbing complete. My body yearning. My soul dying. My heart shattered against the wall.

The man in the suit drove me back to my cramped flat. I put on pajamas. I went to bed. I will start again tomorrow. Hello rock bottom.

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