It was a difficult day all around. I woke up in my cramped
flat alone. My children were at their grandparents for the event because I did
not want to expose them to the crazy that could ensue. I got dressed in the
formal clothing that had been picked out for me. I got my makeup done by the
woman who was sent to me. I got into the ride provided for me. I held it
together. The car was a nice Black town car like you would expect for a funeral
procession. There was champagne provided in the back with strawberries. I
sipped on the champagne as we rode along to the event venue. Appropriately Run,
Baby, Run came on over the radio. I took a deep breath to stifle the tears that
were threatening to burn at my eyes. I knew this day was coming. It had been
coming for a year but I was still not prepared.
A man in a black suit held open the door to the large event
venue with banners and balloons awaiting all of the key players to arrive. I
was escorted around the side of the building to a side entrance and then to a
small room that looked like a preparation room for a wedding or quinceanera. In the room was a chaise lounge and maple side
table, small dressing table with mirror and chair, what looked like a door to a
small bathroom, and a flat screen TV on the wall opposite the chaise. There was
again more champagne that I could help myself to and a card on the dressing table.
It was strange for there to be a card with a little blue gift box behind it. I
sat on the lush pink Chaise lounge covered in pillows with my champagne flute,
card, and box in hand. I placed the crystal flute on the small round side table
and opened the card.
“Dearest Friend,
We have been the best of friends forever and I hope we can
be the best of friend still in the future. Remember when we used to share
everything and want to be exactly like one another?”
Yes, we were 6 though.
“Remember arguing over the same Ken?”
Yes, the one with the
bendy arms so he could really hold Barbie.
“Well I guess that happened on a larger scale now. I hope in
time we can both be happy and move forward. I still love you.”
Larger scale my ass.
I took a gulp of the champagne and threw the card across the
room. I opened the little blue box that held a while gold pendant necklace with
a heart that had beautiful script engraved with my name. Only she would think
that this is appropriate. None of this was okay or appropriate. It was actually
pretty tacky but without having spoken up before today I was stuck. Waiting
alone. I could hear the party guests arriving.
I tried to reason with him but he saw no issue with it since
we were friends. He is an idiot. I had no idea what to expect and I was stuck.
I was pretty sure there was a butler or something strange outside of the door
so I could not make a run for it. I looked at my hand and the diamond wedding
band. I thought about how we had gotten to this point. It was not one person’s
fault in the end. It was a freight train left uncontrolled. But I was the one
run over and leaving alone.
I turned on the small flat screen in the room and flipped
through the channels while I attempted to drink as much of the bottle that they
had left me as possible. I shared a bottle much like this with her on my
wedding day. Seems like it was yesterday but that is gone. Still alone.
I grabbed the small white throw from the back of the throw
and closed my eyes. If I am going to be locked in here I might as well get a
nap out it. I could hear her chastising me about hair and makeup in my mind. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I chanted in
my head. I nodded off only to be awaken gently what seemed like moments later
by the man in the suit. It was time to go. I did a quick mirror check and I hadn’t
done any real damage to my hair or makeup.
A strange medley played as I was escorted into the event
hall. All eyes were on me as I was led to the small table before the clergy
follow by them. We were positioned facing the clergy. Side by side. I could
feel his body heat beside me like an old comforting and familiar tingle in my
body.
The clergy was saying something but I couldn’t hear him over
my own heartbeat. I focused on breathing. I was being handed a pen. It felt
heavy in my hand and my arm felt like it was weighted with sand. I looked down
at the paper. I took a breath. I put my hand done on my side and he on his own.
The Clergy took the paper and signed below and stamped it.
It was done. I was divorced. It was strange. I felt like I couldn’t
breath as I watched the clergy start talking with him and with her. They were
smiling. It was nothing like our somber moment. They signed. The clergy signed.
The crowd went wild. Everyone was excited. They kissed. They were now married.
Legally together after their affair.
She was my best friend from childhood. He was my husband.
They had an affair. I was left alone. She came up with the idea of a divorce
party and wedding ceremony. She said it saved on time and that way I would be
there with her almost like her maid of honor. It didn’t feel like an honor. It
felt like being stabbed repeatedly in the lungs and people asking me how I was
breathing.
She ran over and hugged me in giddy excitement and returned
to her people. She glowed. She grabbed him and a couple of other people and
went into an alcove. She had whispered that she had an announcement and that
she hadn’t even told him yet in my ear. But I was feeling unsteady.
I sat with a flute in my hand and watched the crowd that
looked like lights and blurs through my shocked stated. People came over and
patted my shoulder or hugged around me but never stayed long. It was crazy but
it was done. Officially a divorcee. Officially a single mother or was it
co-parenting mother?
A handsome friend sat next to me and put his head on my
shoulder. He laughed and talked to me about how I make a good pillow. He held
my hand. It was fuzzy but I think he propositioned me somewhere in there before
bursting out laughing. After he got his laugh out he looked at me seriously and
told me he was there for me whatever I needed. Not to be me. Not to be here. To be invisible. The backbone to have not
done this.
I put the flute down and stood just as she returned from the
alcove. He looked pale walking behind her as she filled the room with her glow.
She picked up the microphone interrupting the festivities. For her announcement.
She was pregnant. They were expecting in 7 months.
He wasn’t prepared for that. She was tacky announcing it at
her wedding. He was done with having his own babies but wasn’t careful when it
came to his affair like he was in our marriage. I remember that being a part of
the fight when they finally came clean that although she was a friend he had no
idea what he could have brought home to me. Karma.
She ran up to me just bubbling over and I congratulated her
because what else could I do. Then she bubbled around the room to all of the
guests. Some were excited, some shocked, and some outright angry with her. No
one had pictured this being the way it was. Anti-marriage and divorce banners
flying with wedding banners. It was like a divorce party threw up on a wedding.
My eyes were running with tears that burned like acid. I
wasn’t really prepared for that announcement on top of the other pain. He came
over to comfort me and I pushed him away and ran out. Back to my prison with
the pink chaise. Once locked in my little room I let the tears freely flow. I
turned the TV on loudly to cover any noises I might make. I locked the door. I
drank from the champagne bottle between sobs.
A small knock on the door broke me more. Why? Why follow me? There he was
handsome as ever. As much as I hated him he was the man I loved, married, had
children with, and lived with for better or worse until a year ago. He held me
as I sobbed more.
Some women are more than ready when the day comes. I thought
I was. I thought it was be nice to be able to move on. His chest felt like
home. His arms felt like shields. And his breath like a warm blanket. I hate you. I hate me. I hate this. Why do I
still want this?
He patted my head and got up and left. I was alone again. My
sobbing complete. My body yearning. My soul dying. My heart shattered against
the wall.
The man in the suit drove me back to my cramped flat. I put
on pajamas. I went to bed. I will start again tomorrow. Hello rock bottom.
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